Tag Archives: Romance

Understanding Women for Smarties

'Venus and Mars' by Botticelli

‘Venus and Mars’ by Botticelli

Foreword:
I’m tired. I am sick and tired. I am sick, tired and hungry. Maximum capacity tolerance for men misunderstanding women has been reached!
I am weary of males texting me questions on what to say to a menstruating female.
I’ve become blasé to suggestions on how women should feel.
I have grown bored of the two phrases most commonly said to me by Gen-Y males:
“You girls are crazy” and “You’ve got your period, that’s why you’re mad”.
Well boys, I’m starting to think it’s you – the same way you look in the fridge and can’t see the tomato sauce in front of your face, you’re missing the most obvious characteristics of a woman.
But do not fret. For like any good, caring woman, YSS is here to sew the absurdity and cook any future confusion.

Introduction:
“I’m fine”.

The two syllables that mark the beginning of your journey to understanding women. Whilst surfacing as English in its simplest form, it is estrogenic communication at its common complexity.
Once you appreciate this phrase, you uncover the many basic secrets to female understanding. I urge you; do not take this knowledge for granted. Run for a pen and paper, print screen and stick to the back of your bathroom door, or memorise to an MC Hammer beat. It’s time to make the ladies happy and your tummy happier.

Chapter 1: “I’m fine”.
To the untrained eye these two simple words uncover nothing more than their explicit meaning. However, what you forget is that women are creatures of code.
Quite simply, if she’s telling you she’s fine, she is the absolute opposite; so fix it (even if you don’t know what IT is).

Chapter 2: She whines “I’ve put on weight”.
This is a woman who is feeling insecure, either about her physical appearance, your relationship, or both. She is seeking reassurance that you still consider her attractive. If you’re in a relationship with her, and want a relaxed, happy partner, then do not leave her feeling self conscious. If you’re not regularly telling that girl she’s beautiful, then she won’t think she is (it’s a twisted power you’ve been given).
So if she mentions her weight in an annoying whiney tone (note, different to when genuinely stated in general conversation) let that be an indication that she needs you to reinstill her confidence in the relationship.
If she’s not your partner and she’s whinging about weight, then she’s testing her status with you, investigating whether you’re attracted to her and potentially available for future similar whiney conversations.

Chapter 3: She gets upset when you check out other girls.
Sometimes she points out attractive women for the two of you to appreciate. So why does she get offended when you autonomously check out other girls? Because she thinks your trailing off is an indicator of diminished interest in her presence, and a heightened desire for another babe.
If she hasn’t instigated the mutual appreciation of beauty then she’ll suspect you’re fantasising about another woman.

Chapter 4: Do women want the chase?
There is distinction between the dating behaviours of girls and women. Girls are still immature and enjoy the games, whereas women generally want to cut the bull excrete. Do not play games with a woman; you’ll only push her away.

Chapter 5: Why do girls go to the bathroom in packs?
Boys, it’s time to erase every ridiculous idea you have about why women go to the bathroom with friends. I must apologise in advance, for I am about to destroy your hopes and fantasies. Here it goes: women do this crazy thing where they check if anyone else needs to use the bathroom. Here’s where it climaxes: sometimes someone says yes. Absurd, I know. And if we’re not asking out of consideration, one of us is offering to join for protection (insert black and white film reel and gasping audience).
Now let that sink in for a moment.

Chapter 6: If you want her to do something, say please and thank you.
“Make me a sandwich” won’t get you much further than a slap from a Gen-Y lady. Remind  yourself that this isn’t the archaic period, and she is privy to her own actions and choices. Chances are she’s had a hard day at work and wants YOU to make the sandwich. So if you want something, be respectful enough to show you appreciate it.

Chapter 7: Why does she remember everything I say?
Because women pay attention. We generally don’t have the grade A selective hearing of men. Add the sentimental female nature and you have a beautifully colour-coded transcript of everything you ever did and said, including details on what you both wore and the background music. If she’s a love interest, she will metaphorically read this material regularly and become well-versed in your ways.
Why? She values the memories… They make her feel all fuzzy inside.

Chapter 8: Why does she have an emotional attachment to the idea of sex?
If she is still a virgin, then understand that the first experience will not be a pleasant one. Often, a lady will want to ensure the associated pain and discomfort is endured with someone who cares.
Some women are even morally inclined to take it one step further and wait until marriage, sipping a cocktail of social expectations, upbringing, sentimentality and romance. Don’t try to change this woman’s mind, for she will run (you sleazy critter).
So what about the ones who have surpassed this stage? Why do some expect more after you sleep with them? Because many women still hold value in such physical acts, and continue to attach an emotional element to it. So if you’re only after one thing, and she’s developed an attachment to you, you’ll likely leave her feeling used. Perhaps find a women who lives free of this sentimentality and cement the boundaries first.

Chapter 9: Damage your pride and let go of the ego.
Dirty words, I know, sorry. How dare we expect you stop acting like cave men?!
But we actually hate the ego – get rid of it.
Instead, give this a try: be honest about your feelings, beg her to stay, love her independence, share the paying of bills, accept defeat when warranted… It’ll make you stronger.

Chapter 10: She’s crazy when it’s that time of month.
I’m afraid even women don’t know what to do at this time. Quite frankly, menstruation (that word makes you uncomfortable, doesn’t it) is a difficult period (lol, period) for many of us. The female hormones are raging, emotions are heightened, sensitivity is out of control and we’re often in pain. We want you to love us but we don’t exactly want you anywhere near us. 30 seconds later we might change our mind… twice.
So take the safe road: be attentive and considerate, and armed with chocolate. That way, no one gets hurt.

Chapter 11: Women are attracted to drive and direction.
Contrary to male belief, this is not a reference to 1D. Rather, if you want to be a man, do so by showing that you are hard-working and focussed on what you want. Most women won’t care if you’re a barista, brick-layer or barrister, as long as you’ve got solid goals that you’re working towards.

Chapter 12: She always wants to know everything.
Regardless of whether a female chooses to accept it or not, I liken women to felines. They’re sassy, manipulative, feisty creatures with a pretty exterior and an affection threshold. What else? Well, like they say: Curiosity killed the cat. Women are curious. They want to know if you’re thinking about them, and if so, what it is you’re thinking. They want to be in control of each situation, and often that requires information that delves deeper than your “nothing” response and blank look.
Be warned, deny us the control and we’ll claw your couch… metaphorically.

Chapter 13: You can’t tell if she likes you or not.
Is she confusing the hell out of you? Then I’m afraid that means she’s not that into you. My friend, you are there to simply pass the time until the real deal comes along.
Many women get a little lonely, so they’ll text you when they’re lacking male company.
The truth is, if she’s contacting you sporadically, then you’re just the bench-warmer.

Chapter 14: Never tell her to relax!
RELAX!? AW HELL NO! Telling a woman to relax is like asking you to not criticise your sister while she drives… or chaining you up while she butchers your COD high score… or letting the girlfriend beat you in an argument in front of the boys (feel that blood pressure rise).
The restraint will only make her angrier. So instead, hear her out, listen to the prompts and respond accordingly. Caution: do not smile and nod blindly, for you may agree to take her to your next poker night with the boys.

Chapter 15: She wants you to compliment her.
Yeah yeah, you’re sick of being told how insecure women are. But you’re still reading for a reason, so just sit there and take it.
A girl may doll herself up for a few reasons:
a. To impress you;
b. Because she enjoys looking good;
c. An event requires it.
Regardless of the reasoning, she only wants one result:
a. For her partner to compliment her.
Do not skip on telling her she looks good, for it means so much to know your man is proud of the woman on his arm.

The Summary:
Women are considerate, sentimental, hormonal cats who live with chocolate cravings, insecurity complexes and a secret desire for romance. If she’s “fine”, she’s not.

Afterword:
And so concludes your tutorial on Understanding Women for Smarties. Why are you smarties? Because a man who aims to understand womankind is a very intelligent man indeed (and I can’t afford a copyright law suit).

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Your Face Without Facebook.

A piece inspired by a hacker’s intrusion and my resulting time without Facebook.

Imagine a world without Facebook.
Difficult, I know. But strangely a reality that existed only a decade ago.
Whilst our parents never foresaw a world compressed by social media, most Gen Y-ers simply cannot live without it. Today, with sources claiming that there are over 1 billion Facebook users, social media’s redefinition of the way we interact with our world has become unignorable.

So let’s cross over to a parallel universe. One that never encountered the force of Facebook; where the natural evolution of human interactions are uninterrupted by social media, and this juxtaposition warrants assessment of how each affected facet of our lives may have otherwise independently developed.

Friendships

Your circle of friends would be small, and updates would be facilitated by phone calls to those who matter, as opposed to the 638 people on your news feed.
The scary part? Friendships would be built on seeing one another, not Facebook chat. Birthday invites would be sent in the mail to people who know more than your relationship status, languages and sexual orientation. And texting would replace the daily stalk.
What’s that? Real friendships take work?! Who would have thought…?

 Relationships and Romance

Chivalry is dying;
Romance is defunct;
And relationships are fleeting.
What ever happened to the days when a gentleman approached a lady in a park, asked her out on a date, and discussed music and study over a hearty meal?
Parks are now friend requests, dates are now Facebook video chats and getting to know one another is whatever image of yourself you wish to portray.
By the time relationship status’ change to confirm a bond, they’re corrupted by unnecessary Facebook drama.
In another world, maybe the traditional ideals of honesty, trust and privacy would remain requirements of a modern day relationship.

Family

Your family can be two things:
Unwillingly absent, or unnecessarily nosey.
For the latter, Facebook is the perfect tool for competitive cousins to monitor your progress and transgressions.
For those you love but never see, sometimes separated by masses of ocean, Facebook allows for greater communication and reduced periods of silence.
Without social media, the expensive overseas phone rates and irritating time differences will continue to dictate how you communicate with your family, wherever they are in the world.
For some, that’s a blessing, for others, a curse.

Self Worth

We all want to look and feel good, and Facebook helps us pretend to do that. According to MNN, 250 million photos are uploaded to Facebook daily. If only there were statistics telling us how many of those photos were edited, featured a girl posing in a little dress, or a topless gym junkie standing in front of a bathroom mirror. When teamed with check-ins portraying a stealthy social life, a friends list with names you can’t even pronounce, and a keyboard warrior conversational style, you get an individual with an unhealthy facade of who they want to be.
These are the lucky ones, because without social media, they would be forced to develop a real personality, build a back bone and increase their own self confidence. Facebook wouldn’t be there to protect them from facing the world and accepting who they really are.
Believe it or not, the value of a man is not measured by the number of likes on a profile picture, but by the integrity in which they lead their life.

Work and Business

Gen Y has been famously dubbed lazy, unpassionate and ‘generation why bother’.
And with productivity down 1.5% due to time spent on Facebook, it comes at no surprise.
However, many businesses have thrived with social media, utilising it’s qualities as a free marketing tool. In addition, new roles have been introduced to meet the demand of changed communication methods; roles that require those same lazy Gen Y-ers.
Remove these layers and you get an unmoved business landscape, with a greater proportion of Gen Y employees who still know how to impress beyond web 2.0 requirements.

Travel

Exploring the world has forever been a human desire.
Take Captain Cook for example, or the Phoenicians. They set sail for far-off lands and wrote the history we read about in books.
Today, we hop on Facebook and see photos from Abz Kebabz’ holiday to Bali, and Cellulite Sally’s check-ins around Europe.
It’s fantastic to have experiences of the world so accessible. But does it raise expectations to share and impress?
Remove Facebook from the equation and your closest family and friends will see you off at the airport for a long absence of backpacking and cocktails. Then, overwhelmed by joy, you reunite having felt forever separated, with stories to tell and photos to share; instead of one’s Facebook presence making it feel like they never left.

Literature

Have you ever read Sun Tzu’s The Art of War? But surely you’ve read the phrase: “If ignorant both of your enemy and yourself, you are certain to be in peril”.
How about The Prophet by Khalil Gibran? Yet I bet you’ve heard: “love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation”.
So do I dare ask to what you attribute these? Maybe a status you read last week?
Let’s live in a world where fewer youth dedicate time to recycling snippets from their news feeds, and more time to reading entire collections of classic literature.

Activism

What ever happened to Kony2012? Point made.

Don’t misunderstand me, Facebook isn’t being pinned with the blame – Twitter, Instagram, MySpace; they’re all contributors to today’s social environment. In fact, MySpace was the most visited site in the US in 2006. However Facebook is highly pertinent and its dominance in the contemporary Sydney landscape simply qualifies it as a representative for all social media platforms.

In summation, the moral behind today’s exercise is this:
Consider what your life would be like without Facebook;
Give it a try;
Watch how you approach life differently;
And then decide whether you can live without it.

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