Understanding Women for Smarties

‘Venus and Mars’ by Botticelli

Foreword:
I’m tired. I am sick and tired. I am sick, tired and hungry. Maximum capacity tolerance for men misunderstanding women has been reached!
I am weary of males texting me questions on what to say to a menstruating female.
I’ve become blasé to suggestions on how women should feel.
I have grown bored of the two phrases most commonly said to me by Gen-Y males:
“You girls are crazy” and “You’ve got your period, that’s why you’re mad”.
Well boys, I’m starting to think it’s you – the same way you look in the fridge and can’t see the tomato sauce in front of your face, you’re missing the most obvious characteristics of a woman.
But do not fret. For like any good, caring woman, YSS is here to sew the absurdity and cook any future confusion.

Introduction:
“I’m fine”.

The two syllables that mark the beginning of your journey to understanding women. Whilst surfacing as English in its simplest form, it is estrogenic communication at its common complexity.
Once you appreciate this phrase, you uncover the many basic secrets to female understanding. I urge you; do not take this knowledge for granted. Run for a pen and paper, print screen and stick to the back of your bathroom door, or memorise to an MC Hammer beat. It’s time to make the ladies happy and your tummy happier.

Chapter 1: “I’m fine”.
To the untrained eye these two simple words uncover nothing more than their explicit meaning. However, what you forget is that women are creatures of code.
Quite simply, if she’s telling you she’s fine, she is the absolute opposite; so fix it (even if you don’t know what IT is).

Chapter 2: She whines “I’ve put on weight”.
This is a woman who is feeling insecure, either about her physical appearance, your relationship, or both. She is seeking reassurance that you still consider her attractive. If you’re in a relationship with her, and want a relaxed, happy partner, then do not leave her feeling self conscious. If you’re not regularly telling that girl she’s beautiful, then she won’t think she is (it’s a twisted power you’ve been given).
So if she mentions her weight in an annoying whiney tone (note, different to when genuinely stated in general conversation) let that be an indication that she needs you to reinstill her confidence in the relationship.
If she’s not your partner and she’s whinging about weight, then she’s testing her status with you, investigating whether you’re attracted to her and potentially available for future similar whiney conversations.

Chapter 3: She gets upset when you check out other girls.
Sometimes she points out attractive women for the two of you to appreciate. So why does she get offended when you autonomously check out other girls? Because she thinks your trailing off is an indicator of diminished interest in her presence, and a heightened desire for another babe.
If she hasn’t instigated the mutual appreciation of beauty then she’ll suspect you’re fantasising about another woman.

Chapter 4: Do women want the chase?
There is distinction between the dating behaviours of girls and women. Girls are still immature and enjoy the games, whereas women generally want to cut the bull excrete. Do not play games with a woman; you’ll only push her away.

Chapter 5: Why do girls go to the bathroom in packs?
Boys, it’s time to erase every ridiculous idea you have about why women go to the bathroom with friends. I must apologise in advance, for I am about to destroy your hopes and fantasies. Here it goes: women do this crazy thing where they check if anyone else needs to use the bathroom. Here’s where it climaxes: sometimes someone says yes. Absurd, I know. And if we’re not asking out of consideration, one of us is offering to join for protection (insert black and white film reel and gasping audience).
Now let that sink in for a moment.

Chapter 6: If you want her to do something, say please and thank you.
“Make me a sandwich” won’t get you much further than a slap from a Gen-Y lady. Remind  yourself that this isn’t the archaic period, and she is privy to her own actions and choices. Chances are she’s had a hard day at work and wants YOU to make the sandwich. So if you want something, be respectful enough to show you appreciate it.

Chapter 7: Why does she remember everything I say?
Because women pay attention. We generally don’t have the grade A selective hearing of men. Add the sentimental female nature and you have a beautifully colour-coded transcript of everything you ever did and said, including details on what you both wore and the background music. If she’s a love interest, she will metaphorically read this material regularly and become well-versed in your ways.
Why? She values the memories… They make her feel all fuzzy inside.

Chapter 8: Why does she have an emotional attachment to the idea of sex?
If she is still a virgin, then understand that the first experience will not be a pleasant one. Often, a lady will want to ensure the associated pain and discomfort is endured with someone who cares.
Some women are even morally inclined to take it one step further and wait until marriage, sipping a cocktail of social expectations, upbringing, sentimentality and romance. Don’t try to change this woman’s mind, for she will run (you sleazy critter).
So what about the ones who have surpassed this stage? Why do some expect more after you sleep with them? Because many women still hold value in such physical acts, and continue to attach an emotional element to it. So if you’re only after one thing, and she’s developed an attachment to you, you’ll likely leave her feeling used. Perhaps find a women who lives free of this sentimentality and cement the boundaries first.

Chapter 9: Damage your pride and let go of the ego.
Dirty words, I know, sorry. How dare we expect you stop acting like cave men?!
But we actually hate the ego – get rid of it.
Instead, give this a try: be honest about your feelings, beg her to stay, love her independence, share the paying of bills, accept defeat when warranted… It’ll make you stronger.

Chapter 10: She’s crazy when it’s that time of month.
I’m afraid even women don’t know what to do at this time. Quite frankly, menstruation (that word makes you uncomfortable, doesn’t it) is a difficult period (lol, period) for many of us. The female hormones are raging, emotions are heightened, sensitivity is out of control and we’re often in pain. We want you to love us but we don’t exactly want you anywhere near us. 30 seconds later we might change our mind… twice.
So take the safe road: be attentive and considerate, and armed with chocolate. That way, no one gets hurt.

Chapter 11: Women are attracted to drive and direction.
Contrary to male belief, this is not a reference to 1D. Rather, if you want to be a man, do so by showing that you are hard-working and focussed on what you want. Most women won’t care if you’re a barista, brick-layer or barrister, as long as you’ve got solid goals that you’re working towards.

Chapter 12: She always wants to know everything.
Regardless of whether a female chooses to accept it or not, I liken women to felines. They’re sassy, manipulative, feisty creatures with a pretty exterior and an affection threshold. What else? Well, like they say: Curiosity killed the cat. Women are curious. They want to know if you’re thinking about them, and if so, what it is you’re thinking. They want to be in control of each situation, and often that requires information that delves deeper than your “nothing” response and blank look.
Be warned, deny us the control and we’ll claw your couch… metaphorically.

Chapter 13: You can’t tell if she likes you or not.
Is she confusing the hell out of you? Then I’m afraid that means she’s not that into you. My friend, you are there to simply pass the time until the real deal comes along.
Many women get a little lonely, so they’ll text you when they’re lacking male company.
The truth is, if she’s contacting you sporadically, then you’re just the bench-warmer.

Chapter 14: Never tell her to relax!
RELAX!? AW HELL NO! Telling a woman to relax is like asking you to not criticise your sister while she drives… or chaining you up while she butchers your COD high score… or letting the girlfriend beat you in an argument in front of the boys (feel that blood pressure rise).
The restraint will only make her angrier. So instead, hear her out, listen to the prompts and respond accordingly. Caution: do not smile and nod blindly, for you may agree to take her to your next poker night with the boys.

Chapter 15: She wants you to compliment her.
Yeah yeah, you’re sick of being told how insecure women are. But you’re still reading for a reason, so just sit there and take it.
A girl may doll herself up for a few reasons:
a. To impress you;
b. Because she enjoys looking good;
c. An event requires it.
Regardless of the reasoning, she only wants one result:
a. For her partner to compliment her.
Do not skip on telling her she looks good, for it means so much to know your man is proud of the woman on his arm.

The Summary:
Women are considerate, sentimental, hormonal cats who live with chocolate cravings, insecurity complexes and a secret desire for romance. If she’s “fine”, she’s not.

Afterword:
And so concludes your tutorial on Understanding Women for Smarties. Why are you smarties? Because a man who aims to understand womankind is a very intelligent man indeed (and I can’t afford a copyright law suit).